It's Been a While

We are in the throes of moving… my family to South Carolina, and myself, down the road. The house is a mess, and we're all exhausted. I've had a lot of thoughts swirling in all kinds of directions - logistical and emotional. How to say "goodbye" and yet still hold on tight, because I could never truly say goodbye to any of my family; how to best care for my people, when I may not be around them.

If you'd asked me a year ago, I would have told you I couldn't see myself moving out of the family home any time soon. In fact, I did; I told countless people that I was going to stay where I was, "unless my family makes it back home (SC), or I start my own family". I meant it. I guess I never expected to end up with two homes. I think I "knew" saying goodbye would be hard, but just "knew" I'd do it anyway. I mean, I've been offered a home or two the past two times my family has moved states. I turned all three down. I always expected to do the same if this ever happened again.

One of those offers came the first time we left VA to go back to SC. I don't know if she remembers, but Ms Karen asked if I wanted to stay, with her and her beautiful Mamma, Ms Lillian. I don't know if it's because I've decided to stay in VA this time, or if it's because, when we said goodbye to VA last time, we got the news just short months later that Ms Lillian passed away the September after we left, and I always think of her a lot this time of year, or if it's some other things going on. But I've been thinking about Ms Lillian a lot, the past while.

I've said it before; to know Ms Lillian was to know that you were loved. She didn't just love people as a group, in an extroverted way - she loved *individuals* - deeply. You weren't just a person to her, you felt seen and heard the instant she looked at you and asked how you were. And she didn't just love "certain" individuals, either - that deep heart was for *everyone*, simply because God made them, and that made them worth loving. I don't know of a single person who didn't know Ms Lillian loved them - even if some of us knew a little more. In a time in my life when I was struggling (how I wish I had those smaller struggles nowadays, instead, lol), knowing that Ms Lillian loved me, personally, and not just because she loved our whole family, was such a gift. And there wasn't much that a hug from her couldn't at least help; I looked forward to that Sunday morning hug all week. Her daughter gave me one of her nightgowns when she passed away, and told me to make a pillow out of it. It's one of my favorite things, now. I never go overnight anywhere without that pillow and the fleece blanket my Mama gave me. After a bad day, it feels like I'm getting their hugs as I cry, and even on a good day, I don't feel like I can settle until I've felt the comfort of the familiar that they bring.

I cried when I learned Ms Lillian was gone. I knew, when I told her goodbye, that it was probably goodbye for the last time. She had gotten so frail… she insisted I sit right beside her the whole afternoon. While I do feel like I was wise enough to cherish it in the moment, I still wish it had been longer, knowing now that it was the last time. I still cry now. And that's okay. I think she was one of the top four most influential women in my life, and it's hard to lose someone who means so much to you, even if it is just for a short time. How grateful I am to know I'll stand with her in heaven one day! Goodbyes do not have to be the end, whether we will see each other again in days, years, or in eternity.

I don't know what the purpose of these midnight rambles are, exactly. Maybe just to say that home is not always one certain place… it's wherever you know that God has a purpose for you, and you feel safe and loved, even if that isn't where you may have expected it to be. And in my heart, I've known for a couple years now that I did have two "homes", in SC and VA - because that's where I find joy in the people God has placed me with. I just didn't expect it to so suddenly be so obvious that they both were home, as my family is in one state, and my life is in another, and "my people" are scattered all between. As my dad told me the other evening as I cried about telling my family goodbye; to stay or go - neither choice was wrong. But that doesn't make this change any easier. On the other hand… leaving wouldn't be easy, either. And never before has God given me a peace about staying, as my family moves on; and I believe that is His way of telling me that, whether I expected it or not, this time, this is right. I'll find comfort in that in the weeks ahead, and comfort in knowing that home can be anywhere, and multiple somewheres, all at once.

🙂❤️,

Bri