Stars in the Night

It's been a week of anniversaries I really didn't want to think about, especially realizing just how many more there are going to be in the next 7 weeks, and I've perused my photo memories and my Instagram posts from last summer as I contemplated how I felt about it all. 

Saying goodbye to our best friends.

Last baking done in our old kitchen.

Last meal at the table in our old home.

Saying goodbye to home.

Those unwitting last weeks with my bird.

Those last hopes that all seemed to whither and crumble faster, the harder I tried to hold things under control.

I looked at my pictures, thought about the rollercoaster, decided I hate the idea of celebrating my birthday this year, and I posted this on my Instagram about the wildly swinging emotions and events that we've been through the past year...

"Seasons change, and time moves on, and lessons are learned, and still, life swings, back and forth. Sometimes slower, sometimes wider. But never quite stopping in the middle.

This world is broken. God heals.

This life is dark. Christ brings light.

Pain is a result of sin. Joy is a result of grace.

We grieve. Because we love.

All a constant reminder:

This is not our home, where we are estranged from our Creator.

But we have not been left estranged, for He delights to give His children what we could not bring about.

Never sitting in the middle. Either one with the world, or one with Christ.

With one blessed difference; when our souls are claimed by Christ, He holds us to Himself. We don't count on our nature, our naturally swinging chain, to keep us there; He acts upon our nature, and we are secure because *He* will hold us fast."

Today marks the one year anniversary of our arriving in Virginia. And as I drove home from work, it weighed on my heart.

I didn't really plan on going down to the river, but I made a last minute decision when I reached our driveway, to keep going. I've always found a quiet, breezy place outdoors the best spot to just have my cry and get it over with.

Just to go soak up the beauty God had placed around us, and pray.

For what? That we would be taken back to South Carolina? That this coming year would be easier?

In truth, yes.

But as I came before the throne of the One who knows the beginning of my life and it's end, I realized I felt less pain than I expected, and most of the unfulfilled desires I did have, had nothing to do with where we lived... And, in fact, I found myself giving words to feelings of genuine gratefulness for things we've been given since that move.

That He had sustained us through so much.

For the little man He added to our family at the perfect time... so much of our joy through all this has come from watching him grow.

For foraging even deeper friendships, when I was afraid I'd lose them.

For reconciliation in situations I didn't expect.

For the little girl I watch.

For countless other things.

Yes, I cried tears today.

But they were nothing like the tears I shed a year ago.

For in the dark contrast of the past year, some brilliant stars have been granted us by the Lord's hand. 

"In the daytime there are stars in the heavens

But they only shine at night

And the deeper that I go into darkness

The more I see their radiant light

So let me learn that my losses are my gain

To be broken is to heal

That the valley's where Your power is revealed."

-In the Valley

Rejoicing in Christ,

Ambrielle

-----

Saturday night, my Great-grandma Krouse passed away.

I was able to see her one last time two weeks ago while we were in South Carolina. She couldn't remember me, but we shared a moment that I will hold dear when, for one moment, I took down my mask just to share a smile with her, and she gave me the brightest smile back at the joy of it. I realized in that moment that a smile meant just as much to her as it ever has to me, and her's was a gift.

I remember attending church with her when I was little- specifically climbing the stairs to the door, though I don't know why that stood out so clearly. Going to the grocery store with her one morning, and either she needed sausages or I asked what they were, to this day I'm not sure, but I remember a conversation about them. Getting to sit at her kitchen table in the evening, playing with her lite brite and perler beads, as she and my mom had a conversation in the living room.

We got family photos done with her one time, and she read a book to Tori and I - skipping every other page because it was long and we were on a time crunch, but she didn't want to disappoint us. We caught her because she had trouble turning the pages one at a time, let alone two, and I chuckle about it to this day.

We saw her at the park a few years back, after she had moved to a nursing home near her children. She got to meet her newest great-grandchildren, and she and Grandma sat and sang some of the songs Grandma Krouse had sang to Grandma when she was a little girl.

But with these memories, I think the part that hurts the most is that, though we shared a middle name, I have very few memories we really shared together. And never have a chance to create another. It's like a homesickness for somewhere you've only visited.

This world is broken... full of pain and death and regrets.

Hopeless.

Hopeless, when not seen through God's eyes.

This world is not our home. This groaning creation finds hope in the redemption of Christ, and we ourselves find comfort in the knowledge that we need not be part of this pain forever, when we find wholeness with the Father, and our hope in His truth.

"And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." - Romans 8:23-25

-----

"This is not the end here at this grave

This is just a hole that someone made

Every hole was made to fill

And every heart can feel it still

Our nature hates a vacuum

This is not the hardest part of all

This is just the seed that has to fall

All our lives we till the ground

Until we lay our sorrows down

And watch the sky for rain

There is more

More than all this pain

More than all the falling down

And the getting up again

There is more

More than we can see

From our tiny vantage point

In this vast eternity."

Beauty in the Commonplace

There's a fresh hydrangea cutting on my nightstand, mexican sunflowers from my great-grandma right outside my window, my "rescue plant" is putting out new shoots and leaves.

I come home and baby Philip greets me with a double handed wave and asks to for me to take him in my arms, my bird hops on my finger to eat a treat I offer him, I snuggle down to read another chapter of our book to the little guys.

I've got a to-be-read list longer than my arm. I've got a to-do list that grows as often as it shrinks. I went back to work earlier than expected after we got back from our trip.

With all of it, I'm *living* life. And I'm *loving* it.

-----

Our trip to SC was wonderful. We stayed with my mom's parents; saw our aunts and our cousins. Visited Daddy's family. Had lunch with some friends from our SC home church on Saturday, and I got to stop in for a fast, wonderful 15 minute visit to see my friend and her babies, when we thought we wouldn't even get that. Stopped by the Chick-fil-a I used to work at. Went to church on Sunday, and stayed for the fellowship meal afterwards.

There aren't words to really describe it. If you don't know what it's like to live away from home, you can't picture it. And if you do, you don't need to be told. There were so many moments that would have made the whole trip worth it by themselves.

Worshipping again with a group of fellow believers. Singing those beautiful hymns, hearing the word preached without watching from a screen, all the words of encouragement and people offering to help shoulder any load.

Watching the deer in the back yard with my Granny. Ice cream and fireflies and laughter.

Staying with my mom's family and getting to catch up with them. Cousins playing together, my aunt and I catching up, Grandma going through scrapbooks with my little siblings just like she did with me years ago.

But I didn't get those moments by themselves, I got them all together. Blessing upon blessing.

It all amounted to one gift... coming home. Realizing that we might have to pack a lot into each day, because we only had a week; but having stayed so connected that even the new people at church felt like old friends. Feeling like it was the most natural thing in the world to run in and drop some stuff off at my friends house, give hugs and run, because that's what you do at home. Seeing things I've only heard about in the past 11 months, hugging family and friends so tight, realizing that it doesn't *feel* like a year since I saw them, because distance hasn't separated us.

You can feel the difference as soon as you cross the state border, it's marked. South Carolina may not be the prettiest place on earth. Or the most exciting. It may be down right uninviting for some people. But to those of us who know it as home, even it's simplicity feels so comforting.

I was afraid the visit would stir up feelings of unrest, a wild desire to get back *now*. But, in fact, I think it did the opposite. It showed me that after a year, nothing has changed. I haven't lost anything I had, it's just a little further away. If I can make it one year - and such a hard year, at that- and still feel this way when I come back, I can make it another year just fine. And, if need be, another, for as many as it takes. Going back didn't make my desire to go home hurt worse, it brought comfort that it would wait for me until God is done with me here.

He's got me working with the most amazing little girl and her family, in my dream job, that came about in the most beautiful way possible. My family is here, and we can love and care for each other, our pets, and our plants just as well here as anywhere else. Technology means that we haven't lost our friends to the distance - some have actually become even closer. Covid restrictions loosening means we may be able to find a local body of likeminded believers again to become our home away from home in the near future. I've got projects and interests to keep me as busy as I want. Yes, I can be happy and useful here.

-----

And I still have dreams. That is huge.

Back last September, I felt like every single dream I'd ever had, was stripped away within a six weeks time. February, I started to see that some of the dreams weren't taken, but altered to be better than I had dared hope in a fallen world. I was full of trust in God's plan, awe at what God had done; but not much hope for what He would do in the future.

Then May threw a curve ball at our family, and I realized I hadn't *actually* lost every dream back in September. Because I was losing another. One I would have thought unalterable. And the grief was shattering.

But the Lord was gracious, and He turned that pain around, too. The grief was real, but when it was over, when I came through the other side and was given that joy back, it also gave me something else; it gave me my hope back.

I haven't dared hope since September. I've been able to say "I *can be* content for now, and I trust God's plan."

With our trip home, and the final turning around of this summer's pain, and feeling that comfort of the Lord's shower of blessings, I feel as if I am able to say "I *am* content, and I am hopeful for what God is working out."

It's the most beautiful thing.

-----

Two other things I feel have changed my perspective in the past two weeks, arriving at just the time that I was ready to embrace and make full, lasting use out of them; I read this book, "Seasons of Waiting" at the recommendation of a friend. I'll try to share some real thoughts later, but for now, suffice it to say that you need to read this book. The purpose of waiting itself seems so hopeful reading this book. And the permission, given from a gospel viewpoint, to wait with *all your heart* without guilt is so comforting.

And for the first time in probably 5 years... well, I woke up one morning for work after only 4.5 hours of sleep, and thought to myself, "wait, is this how normal people wake up?" I do not recommend only 4.5 hours of sleep, but it made the contrast of how I felt even more obvious. There have been so many times over the past few years that I had to force myself to get from my bed to the couch after 9 hours of sleep. To wake up refreshed and see the day full of possibility and things to do? For days on end?! I forgot what that felt like. I've made intentional changes to get here, and need to make more. But the fact is, I've seen that there is a manageable plan for this that *doesn't* just involve pushing myself to be less "lazy" (and then needing even more rest afterwards), and that's pretty exciting.

-----

All in all... yes, I am living life to the fullest. And I am loving every minute of it, even if life is not picture perfect. Even in the broken - and maybe because of the broken - we have trust, hope, dreams, beauty in the common place, written out in a plan far above our own sights by a Father who delights to bless His children for His glory.

Rejoicing,
Ambrielle

07/04/21 Catch Up

Philip helping me write emails :).

Tori, myself, and Bethi during a pit stop on the trip to Illinos.

I could say I apologize for how long it's been since I updated, but you know what... I could and probably would be doing that here until I die. So, you know what... Hi, it's nice to talk to y'all again! And if you care for an update on my life, here's the Cliff's Notes version since late April, as of July 4th...

Abbi at the Mississippi river.

Our trip to Illinos went great. It was so bittersweet to be able to attend my Great-grandma's memorial service. On the one hand, it was so sad to be there and not get to see her, but hearing all that was shared about her was such a blessing. I have very few memories of time with her, but the ones I do hold are sweet ones, and it was like I was getting to know a precious part of my heritage so much better as I heard the stories. We were able to see family we had not for years, and Mama's parents took us on a tour of the places from their childhood (and Mama's early childhood) - and we got to go to the Mississippi river, which thrilled Abbi especially! Philip also got to touch grass for the first time, which he loved, one of the first sibs to do so... because southern grass is a whole lot less pleasant than this Iowa grass he got to experience, haha.

Peter, Josiah, Noah, and Isaac at Snake Alley.

When we got home, I immediately started packing up for a flight out to Florida! It went really well, except for my meltdown at the first sight of the crowded Charlotte airport, where I realized my flight wasn't even listed on the board. After that stress, the rest of the adventure felt like a breeze, haha! I had the most wonderful time. The bride's family put me up for almost a week, and we had the best time enjoying each other's company as we prepared for Alyssa's special day. It was a truly beautiful wedding, and I'm so grateful I got to be a part of it!

My mother was DISGUSTED with me
that this was the only picture I got my first
time in an airport, after she asked my dad and
I twice to remember to have him take a nice one.
At least my matching luggage is cute, right?

Gorgeous! I spent most of my time just
staring at the clouds. I did sneak in reading
some of Voddie Baucham's "Fault Lines" though.

I am having the time of my life taking
siblings out to run errands since I bought
my van, even though I hate driving
in Charlottesville, haha.

When I got home, my aunt was there with her kiddos, and we had them here for three weeks. In that time, we also had friends over from SC, and I apparently brought home a bug from FL, because we were good and sick for a bit. Right after my aunt left, we had friends from NH, and right after they left, Tori and I went with the family I work for to a homeschool convention down in FL. It was a crazy busy month! Bethani also turned 16 May 1st, and Emmi turned 11 June 1st. 

He makes me absolutely happy. I can't
take that smile!!!

June was a bit calmer? I only took one trip, to Norfolk, with the family I work with. (You can read about it at Julia's blog here, it was neat how the Lord worked with that event!) But it still feels like we are spinning. Some of us have been sick again, and Daddy is still pulling 14+ hour days at work, 6-7 days a week, due to the "staffing crisis" that is happening company wide. Baby Philip is mobile now... crawling and pulling up on furniture, getting his second tooth, and just generally making the whole family smile. Andrew, Daddy and I put up a swing set in the yard in May, and between that, the sandbox, and the water table, the little ones have greatly enjoyed this nice yard again this summer. Mama and Bethani did take a trip to SC, with the baby, to see Mama's grandma, who ended up in the hospital. They were gone for five days, and even though we managed the house okay, we were thrilled when they got home! But also *so* happy they went. It was really good for them, and I'm glad they got to see Grandma K.

They are the cutest. I'll never get over the
fact I thought I didn't want Mango.

I'm working a few days a week, and I am loving it so very much, this job is an exact answer to prayer! But I am on a completely different schedule than my family the days I work, and so I'm trying to learn how to balance that again. No... not again. I never did learn at my last job, ha. Between work, taking back over the grocery list and now doing the shopping (realizing I'm a bit out of touch, and apparently our food needs are different then they were even just five months ago... a whole lot less milk, more tortillas, and a whole host of other unexpected things), and taking care of our pets and plants, I stay fairly busy, but at the same time, I know there is so much else I could do, should do, miss doing, want to do. I'm making it a goal to get my priorities in order, and also to make sure that I acknowledge that running myself into the ground (even when it seems to take appallingly little to do so) actually makes me less useful in the end.

Andrew, Philip, Noah, Josiah, Peter, and Isaac.

That about sums up the past couple of months, although there are so many little moments that I've loved that I just don't have the time to share. Like buying a sickly little plant for 2.50 that now looks great (ironic, since I can kill indestructible succulents with one watering), and getting an update on the kitten I found a home for last September, when I figured I'd never hear about her again. Making slime with the kiddos (and totally making a mess of it). Finding Clorox wipes for clearance and laughing at how you couldn't even find them full price just a year ago. Music and books that I have found so encouraging. I do plan on eventually doing a post on the books I've read this year (was going to be monthly, but, HA. I don't think I even read anything the month of March anyway, haha), but you can do yourself a favor in the meantime and go listen to this song, it was on repeat for weeks after I found it!!!

He was proud of his slime, even though it didn't work ;P...

I also do not currently have time to update my bio, which I have been told is outdated. Mostly because I will literally just sit and stare at the screen if I try, because I despise bio writing, ha. 

We are heading out to SC this Thursday, to visit family and our church there. We are still doing the livestream from our SC church currently (hoping to try a local church soon, though, as the covid restrictions are being lifted! Masks were required as of June 30th, and illegal as of July 1st, as if that one minute between the two days made any difference), and as we turned on the livestream this morning and joined in the worship, I thought excitedly "next week we'll be singing right in the middle of them!" Honestly, the trip won't feel long enough, but to be able to make it at all is so exciting.

I'd love to hear from y'all now! What has been your happiest event since April? Is there any way I can be praying for you?

Rejoicing in the hope of the gospel,

Ambrielle

Threefold Cord

It's easy to want the fairytale wedding, the dream come true, the perfect life. I used to have a whole list of boxes I wanted checked... where we'd live, how we'd live, what occupations we'd have, what he'd say to make me feel safe and loved, what sacrifices we would be willing to make and which would be too scary. I wanted a marriage built on what we could accomplish together. I built a picture-perfect life in my mind, unstained by reality.

But when I put myself aside and look at what truly matters, it isn't boxes to be checked. It's hearts in check with the gospel. To follow the Lord is not a straight line from here to there, and then you're done. It's to be open to everything He calls you to, even if it may break your heart, knowing that the Lord can heal, for the rest of your life. I want now instead, a marriage built on what we can accomplish through the Lord. It's a life more beautiful than the picture-perfect, for in it, it's beauty shines even in the dark, for it comes from God, built out of a passion for the beauty of Christ and His church.

A passion for Christ, His gospel, His truth, and obedience to Him. When those things are genuine, all else falls into line - and when it doesn't for a time, for we are still in our broken flesh, there is repentance and redemption beyond that measure. A marriage where even when we fight each other in a moment of weakness, we fight foremost for our covenant to model Christ and his church.

A marriage where we can discuss the most painful moments of our past, our most chaining sin bends, and our driest spiritual deserts... knowing that God will use our vulnerable union to spur each other to good works, rather than deeper despair and sin.

A marriage where loyalty runs so deep, knowing it is a reflection of God's character as Christians, that we do not doubt the fidelity of the other. A man who leads and provides, yet is gentle with the hearts around him; a woman who counsels and nurtures, yet is strong for the hearts around her. A marriage worth waiting for.

A marriage that helps build the kingdom of God through a threefold cord - Christ, husband, wife. A marriage, not to fulfill our own wants, but to compliment each other's gifts in service to the Lord. To build a scripture filled, gentle, disciplined, loving, strengthening haven, living a life full of gospel centered hospitality, open to any the Lord has placed in our path.

Fiercely guarding every child that the Lord may send us.

Through our union.

Through adoption.

Through offering refuge to those who may need us only for a time.

Fiercely fighting for every person that the Lord may place in our lives.

The fellow gospel soldiers, iron sharpening iron.

The new believers, faltering on the narrow path.

The broken sinner, in desperate need for truth.

A marriage not of two people to complete each other, for in Christ we are complete. But a marriage to complete our work for the Lord, if He deems us two better as one.

Marriage 'til death do us part... at which point our lives no more end then they did begin on our wedding day. Marriage as simply part of our lives for Christ. Full of it's unique sorrows and unique joys. Knowing all the while that marriage is only a picture, a taste, of the sweet intimacy of being known by Christ, and if we were never to be part of that earthly picture, we would still be wholly and completely who God made us to be. As content with His plan if it did not include marriage as we would be if it did - when and how He chooses.

Marriage, not because a relationship is an idol in our hearts, but because if and when it becomes obvious that it is the next step of obedience in following the Lord, we are willing to put aside our own desires and fears, and step out together in trust that the Lord of the universe has kept us within His sovereignty thus far individually, and His character demands that He do no less while we walk together.