To some, it was just a lemonade

It's one of those days. It's one of those weeks... truly, it's feeling like one of those years. 

I woke up more tired than when I went to bed - and that wasn't surprising, given the fact that my mind can't stop racing and I've had the worst time trying to sleep for weeks now.

I've been dealing with grief, unknowns, and health "nuisances". And some of these things I've been in the midst of for years. But the length they have drug out and the fact that some just continue to get worse, have been bringing a weight to my spirit lately.

As I woke up, I realized just how exhausted I must have been when my brain finally crashed - evidenced by the fact that, after fighting to quiet my brain for an hour, I finally went to sleep so quickly that from the time I realized I would be able to sleep, and put down my book, to the time I went to sleep, I didn't even have time to take off my glasses. And yet here it was an hour before my alarm was going to go off, and my brain was up racing again. It feels like it doesn't even end in my sleep; my worries play out in my dreams. 

I thank God so often for sending me a dog I wasn't looking for and didn't plan on keeping. She's got separation anxiety and PTSD, and she has a need to be near me to be the best version of herself, but she's made huge strides in our four years together. Now, some days, I think the script has flipped. God sent her my way so that I could heal her; so that He could use *her* for *me* now. She still needs to know where I am nowadays, but she doesn't always have to be right by my side anymore. She knows I'm not okay right now, though, and is showing it by being clingy... following me more while awake, full out laying on me at night instead of just touching me with one little paw like her normal. Like she's pretending to need me so I don't feel guilty for needing comfort. I woke up to her chin on my knee, and she didn't even move over when I stirred, to avoid being disturbed again. I knew what job she was taking on, and I was grateful, even as the weight rushed back in, coming with a feeling of defeat that already the day was too much and I hadn't even started it.

I left the house feeling anxious and sad. 

And you know what? God must have decided that I needed some encouragement. A reminder that even when life is hard, He still sends joy and peace and kindness and hope. 

Worship this morning at the school was what my heart needed. 

The message from one of my coworkers during chapel was what my heart needed. 

Hearing praise offered to someone near and dear to my heart, who does not hear enough of it, and the smile it brought to their face, was what my heart needed. 

And by the time I stopped at our local coffee company, and an individual in line ahead of me insisted that everyone in line was getting treated to their drinks today, I had to decide, sipping on the lemonade I didn't pay for, that none of this was coincidental to the day. 

I truly believe that God gives us more than we can handle, but not more than He can handle. And because He can handle more than we ever receive, He is able to provide not just survival, but sustenance and abundance in the trials. 

I'm still sad. I'm still anxious. 

But I'm also grateful. More peaceful. And confident that this too is just a season, and if the Lord cares enough to provide through others small, unlooked for comforts, even ones I could have "provided for myself", He will not withhold any other that I need, when the time is right, even if the wait is long and heavy. It doesn't change my reality, but it does change how fatal it feels. 

It reminds me of those two little words in Ephesians that change the whole narrative... 

"But God". 

The brokenness of the world may weight upon our hearts... But God is bigger than it all. 

<3